Humans were not designed for broken relationships!
From the Scriptures
~ ~ ~
From the Lord’s Prayer:
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those who sin against us.
~ ~ ~
From Matthew Chapter 18 (ESV):
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.
24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.
25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made.
26 So the servantfell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’
27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.
28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’
29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’
30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.
31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place.
32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.
33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’
34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,until he should pay all his debt.
35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
~ ~ ~
THE TWO SIDES OF THE FORGIVENESS COIN
Because this is such an important and delicate issue, I am going to spend a little time on it. I am not going to cover the topic, but I will give some added pointers that people sometimes overlook.
“HEADS” – Forgiving Others
Unforgiveness and bitterness are one of the biggest tools in satan’s arsenal and it has destroyed uncountable lives. So it is not surprising that when you go to do business with the Lord about something, He might put His finger on this area if it is an issue. If you feel “stuck” in life, this sure is one of the things that can do it.
I purposely discuss forgiving others first because you can’t expect others to do something that you have not learned to do yourself. If you want someone to ask your forgiveness, you must be someone who forgives those who ask you.
I will say that in my own experience it has helped me to be mindful of my own mortality and failures and that I am no better than anybody, and I could just as easily do the same thing that other person did to me. I know I like it when people show compassion on me:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV)
It has also helped me to remember what a debt I owe for all that God has forgiven me for. Jesus told a parable about how wrong it is to hold things against others when, by comparison, they are nothing compared to the debt I owed which Christ paid. I happen to be Lutheran, and I like the fact that we do some things repetitively because it builds them into your soul.
Many times when I was struggling to forgive I heard in my mind the words:
“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” and it took the wind out of my sails.
Unforgiveness is when you are eating your favorite meal and you can’t enjoy it.
I encourage you to deal with any area of unforgiveness the Lord puts on your heart and don’t delay. Some things you might consider doing could be some careful research to find the right book, getting Christian counseling, praying with a trusted friend, and of course, pouring your heart out to the Lord.
Forgiveness is letting someone out of prison and discovering it is you.
A word of caution, however. If someone did something that bothered you and they may not realize it. Unless it is serious, leave your frustration between you and the Lord. It is wrong to go up to them and announce you have forgiven them for something they didn’t even know they did. In fact, that can come across as an accusation:
“Hey, Bill. Just wanted to let you know I forgive you for being such a jerk last weekend.”
In fact, in general, I think when we express forgiveness it should only be in response to someone asking for it, not something we volunteer. I have had
Many times when I was struggling to forgive I heard in my mind the words: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” and it took the wind out of my sails.
I encourage you to deal with any area of unforgiveness the Lord puts on your heart and don’t delay. Some things you might consider doing could be some careful research to find the right book, getting Christian counseling, praying with a trusted friend, and of course, pouring your heart out to the Lord.
A word of caution, however. If someone did something that bothered you and they may not realize it. Unless it is serious, leave your frustration between you and the Lord. It is wrong to go up to them and announce you have forgiven them for something they didn’t even know they did. In fact, that can come across as an accusation:
“Hey, Bill. Just wanted to let you know I forgive you for being such a jerk last weekend.”
In fact, in general, I think when we express forgiveness it should only be in response to someone asking for it, not something we volunteer. I have had times when someone asked forgiveness and I told them of course and in fact I already forgave them a long time ago.
But if what they did really bothers you, Jesus commands you to approach them. Jesus doesn’t mind that life gets messy. He just doesn’t want us to leave it that way.
If someone offended you and they may not realize it, you should approach them at their convenience and share what their offense was. You must pray and pray carefully about this! It is a very touching subject to raise. Your own attitude must be humble and forgiving in the way they sense you approaching them. Your motive must be reconciliation, not vindication:
“If that person listens, you have WON BACK a follower.”
Matthew 18:15 (CEV)
We may think about confessing our sins horizontally as the idea of admitting you are wrong. Often that is what we want to hear from people, an admission that their motive and/or action was wrong.
It is difficult to forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness. It is important to consider that a person may not realize they have offended us. (And we must guard against being offended that they didn’t realize their offense which seems so obvious to us.) Bitterness can grow in our hearts if we think someone knows they offended us but they are doing nothing about it. If we let something linger out there, our resentment only grows. Moreover, we must guard against telling other people about what this person did that offended us. Matthew 18 is, among other things, an anti-gossip provision:
“If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you.”
Matthew 18:15 (CEV)
“Clearing the air,” so to speak, is a vital part of fellowshipping with another person. I think of it as “keeping short accounts” with one another. Being open with one another. This takes trust and a firm commitment to love. But it also brings us great joy:
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
1 John 1:7 (KJV)
See Also John 15:11-12 (“that your joy may be full”)
In other words, if we are honest with each other, it prevents broken relationships.
“TAILS” – Asking Others to Forgive You
This one takes a little more effort to discover. We all know when someone wrongs us. Often we are not aware of ways we have wronged others. The Lord wants us to keep short accounts with others. We should take initiative to get right with them immediately:
“Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering…”
~Jesus Christ
Matthew 5:23-24 (NASB)
It is less likely that you will need to pause your process in this book to work on this side of the coin, but I thought while we were on the subject of forgiveness I would toss in a few words because I don’t see much teaching on this side.
It would be a good idea at some point for you to get quiet before the Lord and ask Him to bring to mind things that you have done which you need to get right with people. When I did this I was surprised at things that came up which I didn’t even know were in my memory. Some of these people I had to pray God would help me find them it had been so long, and often He would bring us together. One time I “coincidentally” bumped into someone on my list at a gas station in my town when they had just pulled off to get gas there while passing through on their way from somewhere else to somewhere else.
Here are the correct principles to apply when asking forgiveness:
(1) Pray and identify not only what you did, but the root selfishness behind it:
{a} First, you must repent of this selfishness before the Lord. Otherwise, you repentance before the individual will not be genuine.
{b} Repent of both of the selfishness and your attitude.
{c} You also must clear your heart of any unforgiveness against them, otherwise your encounter will not be free of accusatory vibes on your part, which will only make them defensive.
(2) Pray and ask God to work it out that you two can meet together. Then approach them humbly asking to meet at their convenience. Meet in a place where you have privacy and no interruption.
(3) You must be specific about the thing you did.
{a} Please don’t go up to someone and say: “I’m sorry for anything I have ever done to hurt you.”
{b} You want to say something specific like: “I’m sure you saw when I posted that embarrassing thing about you.”
(4) Do NOT APOLOGIZE!
{a} “I’m sorry” is vacuous.
{b} In fact, the word “apologize” is from the same root as “apologetics,” which is the religious discipline of defending religious doctrines through systematic argumentation. In other words, saying you apologize for something or you regret something is not a full admission of fault, and in fact can often lead to a “but” followed by excuses or even accusations.
I recall years ago, when I was working on the Hill, a politician actually released a statement that said:
“I regret so many women were offended by words that were said unknowingly in a moment of haste.”
Notice he referred to “words that were said.” Passive voice. He never mentioned that he was the person who said them. I think those women would much rather have heard him say:
“What I said showed me I have been holding an attitude which demeans women. That is prideful and selfish. It is hurtful because, among other things, it tells women they are of lower value in society, which they are not. I have repented of my sinful attitude, and I ask these women to please forgive me for my words and for the attitude that was behind them.”
A statement such as this identifies the root issue and admits the selfishness behind it. It shows an understanding of their pain. It shows real repentance, not just for this incident, but for the sin issue behind it. (It is important the person you are asking forgiveness from believes that you really do mean to change.) Finally, it ends with a frank request for forgiveness.
(3) You must identify the root of selfishness and the FULL extent you went in your selfishness:
{a} “That was not only a violation of your privacy, but it shows I am guilty of the sin of jealousy towards you.”
{b} “I was trying to put you down so that Bob would like me instead of you.”
(4) You must acknowledge what it did to them and show awareness of the pain you caused:
{a} “I knew when I did it that your biggest fear is public embarrassment and I specifically targeted that to hurt you the most.”
{b} You have been trying to get Bob’s interest for a long time and now he has rejected you.”
{c} “I can’t imagine how awful that would feel.”
(5) End with the words: “I was selfish. Will you please forgive me?” You have to ask and ask clearly. Don’t say “I hope you can forgive me.” Ask them outright. This is a transaction going on and a decision needs to be made.
{a} Then SHUT UP. Just stand there, humbly, maybe even praying silently. It is their turn.
{b} Whatever they start to say, DO NOT INTERRUPTP! You have put them in a vulnerable place and you need to respect the fact that they are opening their heart in trust by sharing their true feelings, which you must remember are authentic and valid.
{c} Do NOT DISPUTE anything they say, even if you disagree with their perspective. If you disagree with anything, keep silent and let just allow them to see things the way they see it. If what they say indicates you didn’t cover everything, listen to that and respond appropriately.
{d} Have No Expectations. And don’t expect forgiveness. It is not your right—that is why it is called “forgiveness.” That is why you have to “ask.”
{e} They do owe it to God to forgive, but they owe you nothing. If they say “no” in response to “will you forgive me,” that is their option and you cannot judge them for disobeying God’s command to forgive. As long as you have done everything in your power to be right with others, you have done what is pleasing to the Lord:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.
Romans 12:18 (NASB)
(6) Prepare the way you would for the most important job interview of your life.
{a} And it is just that important! One of the most important things to keep love thriving in the church is forgiveness. The main thing the Apostles taught us was to love one another. In fact, that is the main thing Jesus Himself commanded us.
{b} You might even practice your words. You will be nervous. If there are too many words to remember, there are too many words! Keep this as down-to-the-core as you can while covering all the bases I have mentioned.
{c} You might even consider running it by someone to get their impression.
A Few Final Principles on Asking Forgiveness
(1) The circle of forgiveness must never be larger than the circle of committal. If you offended your wife by farting in bed, don’t jump into the pulpit and ask the congregation to forgive you!
(2) If you sinned in only your mind, just confess it to God. Don’t go up to someone who has no clue about your evil thoughts and say things like:
“Hey, Bill. I need to ask your forgiveness for wishing you were dead last weekend.”
Or,
“Hey, Bill. I need to ask your forgiveness because I almost stole some money from you last year.”
Or,
“Hey, Bill. I need to ask your forgiveness for being so judgmental about the way you are failing as a father to Bill Jr.”
Or,
“Hey, Bill. I need to ask your forgiveness for lusting after your wife all the time.”
(3) Finally, remember that this whole thing is not about you meeting your needs to get forgiveness or to finish your own checklist. It is about them. Just like you need others to admit they have wronged you, others need you to admit it to them whenever it happens. Be courteous and considerate and meet with them at their convenience. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push it. Go home and pray for God to open a door.
Don’t Just Flip a Coin
Forgiveness issues are not a casual by-guess-or-by-gosh thing. Dealing with others about hurtful situations can have significant long-term consequences. Don’t leave things to chance. Make a business of getting it right. Right relationships are worth the work. Christians should be defined by it.
The first and foremost principle in all matters of forgiveness is to never approach another person until you are certain you know what the right thing to do is. Pray it through, think it through and, if needed, get wise advice from a professional before you do.
